The Hyper Theticals Podcast

S2E11 - The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories

What if growing larger wasn't a tradition your bones gave up on in your twenties? Bellies and ears and stuff keep it going, sure, but we can probably all agree it isn't the same. Well, what if we told you you could just keep getting taller, your whole life? Well guess what! With our revolutionary new Hyper Theticals Gene Tonic (TM) , y- wait. No. That's not a real thing.

Sorry, forgot what it was we do here for a moment. Not a bad idea though, must run it by the chaps in the lab. In the meantime, why not join us on a flight of wild fancy, as we visit a world where grandma bestrides the continents like a colossus. Nobody's putting her in a home now. Unless they, like, build them a lot bigger.

Bet you're wondering about that title though! Well stick around because the fun doesn't stop there. We've put on our phoney-finding hats once again and chosen literature as our playground this time. Can you spot this episode's artfully hidden fakes?

 

Music used: "Night In Venice", "Fluffing a Duck" and "Cuban Sandwich"
by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

S2E10 - Hufflepuffs Are Full of Phlegm

Pfft, scientists. Do they ever get anything right? We don't know and frankly, we don't trust them enough to ask. What we do know is that history is littered with their whopping boners (that's an archaic term for blunder, so get your minds out of the gutter).

That's right, these know-it-alls have been telling us what's what for time immemorial, including that some types of geese are born from shellfish rather than being, as we all know, ugly ducklings that finally got tired of all the bullying and used their resentment to fuel their growth and rage.

This episode we take a tour of scientific models that turned out to be about as strongly rooted in fact as most of what you hear on this programme. 

 

Music used: "Island Meet and Greet" and "Cuban Sandwich"
by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

S2E9 - Heat Map of a Jim

We like to think we're on the pulse of what's new and fresh here at Hyper Theticals. And we bring that sexy innovation to you, the listener! Well there's this hot new thing called Climate Change, maybe you've heard of it. Now call us crazy, but we think maybe, just maybe, it might be bad. So: how fix? It'll come as no surprise to you, dear listeners, that we have some great ideas. Consider a space dumb-waiter, or the simple reverse-chimney. We can look forward to making our own Saturn-style rings of frozen carbon shards, alongside of course the humble cow-fart balloon. With technology like this, we can't fail. 

 

Music used: "Plucky Daisy" and "Cuban Sandwich"
by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

S2E8 - The Dog Turbine

What old products or recipes can we re-brand to make them attractive for a modern audience? This week, we take a stroll through the orchard of history, and pluck up some weird old fruit in hopes that contemporary appetites are ready for a little exotic flavour. And some of it really is quite plucked up, believe me. Put aside your squeamishness however - weevil larvae are nothing if not good, honest protein, and there's very little you can't (slightly) improve by putting it in a jelly. Tune in to find out how the Victorians made waves in their bathtubs and developed a symbiotic relationship with the rare marine donkey (Equus aquaticus asinus).

 

Music used: "The Entertainer" and "Cuban Sandwich"
by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

S2E7 - Blimp My Ride

What single invention, if edited out of the timeline of our history, would have the most interesting effect on our modern world? I know I know, but forget about the obvious ones - we won't be talking about essentials like fidget spinners and pet rocks. They say necessity is the mother of invention, but what we've learned is that you don't actually *need* flushing toilets or the printing press. In fact, the absence of such crutches would probably enrich our moral fibre. Also, somewhere out there is a parallel universe where we didn't screw things up, and the noble dirigible is still the king of air travel. 

Music used: "The Show Must Be Go" and "Cuban Sandwich"
by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

S2E6 - You're Not the Real Gandhi!

Are alien invaders best scared away by angry moon faces or giant space mirrors? Friends, we'd better figure it out before they run out of commonplace Earth pathogens and substances to be fatally vulnerable to. In the meantime, best to keep all your food in airtight containers and, when in doubt, hide behind the sofa and pretend not to be home.

More pressingly, what if our memories weren't erased as we were serially reincarnated? Would you ever recover from the trauma of birth after death after birth? Or come to that, from the embarrassment of the various past fashion trends you followed? Picture a mullet atop a neck ruff, worn with a tie-die shirt, codpiece and flares, and you're only just beginning to grasp the nightmare.

 

Music used: "Amazing Plan", "Life of Riley" and "Cuban Sandwich"
by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

 

 

S2E5 - Appenstance

There's almost nothing you can't do on your phone these days. Each app is a handheld miracle!

Receive troubling news alerts for things you didn't know you should care about? Absolutely.

Obsessively stalk your ex, developing encyclopedic knowledge of all their new friends and interests? Check.

Convert legitimately valuable currency into barrels of berries, with the ability to make otherwise unplayable games merely mediocre? You'd better believe it.

Get stalked by a creepy owl for not eating your verbtables? Oh yes indeed.

But what apps are we still, as a world just barely entering this new and haunted decade, still hankering for? Find out today friends -  the future won't wait!

 

Music used: "Cuban Sandwich" & "Funkorama"
by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

S2E4 - Flim Flam Film

Ah, television. Like a sprawling oak, its foliage almost blocking out the sky. Even the single branch of "reality TV" is so long-established as to be massive, really a tree in its own right. Surely there can be no further room for growth?

 

Well, we'll see. We're pretty sure we can find a bit more low-hanging fruit. Or acorns, or whatever. Consider such guaranteed instant hits as "Hate Island", "Come Dine with Me: Last Meal on Death Row" and "Criminal Eye for the Undercover Spy".

 

You'll be wishing this was real reality TV, but we're not done yet! Soon you'll be wishing you could watch non-existent movies as well, as we debut a new segment we like to call Flim Flam Film.

 

Music used: "Sneaky Snitch", "Whiskey on the Mississippi" and "Cuban Sandwich"
by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

S2E3 - Asteroid Hugs

Do giant space rocks mean us harm, or just want to be friends? Perhaps they're only dangerous to reptiles of unusual size. Find out on this episode, and more importantly discover the many ways in which those ancient lizards, while large and awesome, proved themselves terribly under-prepared.

Then, dare to dream - but in a limited fashion. If we started society again but limited ourselves to a single human template, what would happen? Is anyone truly ready to be the sole representative of their species? Could any one person be boring enough to infinitely tessellate?

 

Music used: "Cuban Sandwich" & "Jalandhar"
by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

S2E2 - Clifford the Big Red Whale

There is a pronounced tendency for evolution to try to make crabs. That's not a joke, there's literally a scientific term for it: carcinisation. If that doesn't tickle your pincers, then I don't know what will. The conundrum that bedevils us this week features good ol' humanity though - what if we'd taken the aquatic turn on the genetic highway, instead of mucking around in trees and such? Gather around the volcanic vent and grab a kelpmallow to roast, as we unfold a fishy yarn or two. Deep dive over, we'll surface to the refreshing groundedness of doomsday preppers, and ask ourselves the most troubling question... what aren't they prepared for?

 

Music by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/ 

S2E1 - Rick Astley, Galaxy Trotter

Season 2, ladies and gentlemen! We've returned from our long hiatus with renewed vigour, and we're not about to put up with any lazy, lethargic theticals around here. It's time to hype up or go home! This episode, Andy and Adriano consider what artefacts of our society will eventually confuse the heck out of future historians and archaeologists. We advocate lodging hermit crabs in human skulls and turning political prisoners into benches, before moving on to an even more pressing question: how do we save the cinema industry? If it can't be done with Russian-roulette screenings and the careful application of fire, then we're out of ideas.

 

Music by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/

S1E12 - Air B'n'Bench

We kick things off with another rousing round of Hyper-fake-icals (better segment name still pending). It turns out a 'spendthrift' spends wastefully and to 'suppurate' means to discharge pus - who said learning can't be fun? Not nearly as fun as generating convincing falsehoods, but that goes without saying. Once the salmon are done singing some psalm songs, we turn our prodigious enthusiasm to revolutionising hotels. Picture stacks of drugged guests in water-soluble clothes, nudists being fried by concentrated sunbeams, infinite labyrinths and a complete absence of time.

 

Music used:
"Maple Leaf Rag", "Frog Legs Rag" & "Cuban Sandwich"
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/